The 20 Words You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Partner
Even at your angriest, avoid these words and phrases at all costs.
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Divorce
"Once you throw out the 'D' word, especially in anger, it's like a bell has been rung, and you can't unring it," says relationship expert and advice columnist April Masini. "Throwing out 'divorce' is like throwing down the third rail. You shouldn't touch it. You shouldn't say it unless you mean it. And you definitely shouldn't use it as a tool to get your partner's attention. "
Always or Never
"Absolutes should never be said to your partner," says pre-marital counselor and wedding officiant Hope Mirlis. "The words 'always' and 'never' are rarely true and they're usually said out of anger or frustration. As in 'you always prioritize your friends over me' or 'you never offer to cook dinner.'" Instead, she suggests sticking to the facts, which gives you a way to be honest about what's bothering you without immediately putting the other person on the defensive. "I use a technique with couples that starts with a statement of a fact rather than finger pointing," Mirlis explains. "So, 'I noticed that you've seen your friends four times this week, but we haven't scheduled a date night.' Or 'I cooked dinner every night this week.'"
Shut up
"'Shut up' tends to spill out in the middle of a fight or when a partner is upset or annoyed," says relationship expert and CupidsPulse.com founder Lori Bizzoco. "But saying 'shut up' is highly aggressive. 'Can you please be quiet?' can deliver the same message in a calmer manner that doesn't feel so violent."
You're not my mom
"It's common to say this when someone is feeling as if their partner is being too nurturing, overprotective, or controlling," Bizzoco says. "But the last person your partner wants to be compared to is your parent. Their feelings will likely be hurt, especially if they have good intentions." Before you let those words slip out, "try letting them know what you prefer they not do rather than making them feel like they're coming on too strong."
You are such an idiot
"Any kind of personal insult is an act of emotional violence," says Maggie Reyes, life and relationship coach at ModernMarried.com. "Belittling is especially destructive, so never, ever turn to phrases like 'you are such an idiot' or 'you have no idea what you are doing.'" Angry words like those cause tension in the short-term — but they can also erode the connection you've worked so hard to build and make it harder to reconnect down the road.
You're pathetic
"You should always avoid labeling your partner when you're dissatisfied with his or her behavior," says Karolina Pasko, a registered divorce and sex therapist. "When we label a person, they get defensive right away." Stick to observations about your S.O.'s behavior, instead. "This way, you're opening up a conversation around how they can change what they're doing."
You HAVE to do this
"You should never speak to your partner in the authoritarian manner reserved for unruly children or pets," says Margaux Cassuto, founder of ThreeMatches.com. "These words rob a relationship of the equilibrium couples are endlessly trying to achieve. Healthy adult relationships are based on a mutual respect and thrive when each person feels they — and their opinions — are valued."
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I wish I never got involved with you
"Or, 'I wish I was still with [fill in the blank].' Bringing up a former lover or relationship is about the worst thing you can do," Hope says. Even if it isn't true, "your partner will always believe it."
You never take me out anymore.
"Phrases such as 'You never take me out anymore' are often just emotional, with little basis in reality," says licensed marriage and family therapist Mercedes Coffman. Even their positive counterparts — "I will always be here for you," or "I will never lie to you" — set you and your partner up for a loss of trust, Coffman warns. "There will come a time when a partner won't be available or will tell a lie, regardless of their intentions."
Don't take this the wrong way, but ...
"Complete honesty in relationships can often seriously backfire," says Julienne Derichs, a licensed marriage counselor. "In relationships, intimacy, comfort, and closeness are often confused with 'unbridled self-expression', which is where a person lets the flood gates open. Sometimes I hear people say 'I'm just trying to be open and honest' in defense of their behavior. But being open and honest does not mean spouting off thoughts and feelings without consideration of your partner."
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You don't care about me
"Any language that is accusatory in nature is best avoided," says Erin Wiley, a licensed clinical psychotherapist. "I counsel couples to speak about their feelings in a non-threatening way, by focusing solely on their own experience in a conflict, not on their partner's behavior." For example: "Instead of saying, 'It makes me so angry when you leave laundry in the washer for days because it's obvious you don't care about me,' you could say, 'I feel so angry when I try starting a load of laundry and can't do it because there are still clothes in the washer. It feels like more work for me, and that's overwhelming.'"
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Calm down
"There are few things more condescending than someone telling you to calm down in the middle of an argument," says Shawnda Patterson, a certified life and dating coach. "Telling an adult to calm down can be seen as dismissive. It can also demonstrate your partner's lack of respect when it comes to your feelings. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who treats their feelings like they're invalid."
You've gained weight
"This one's damaging because it goes to someone's self-esteem, and will forever make them feel self-conscious in and out of the bedroom," says relationship expert Esme Oliver. If you're legitimately concerned about a partner's health, "a better way to address this is to suggest things like eating healthier together or taking long bike rides on the weekends. This will encourage weight loss for both parties without hurting your partner's feelings."
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What did I do now?
"Asking your partner 'What did I do now?' is also extremely dismissive," Patterson says. "It sends a message that you know you are always the bad guy or girl in their mind." Nobody likes to be made to feel like they're constantly nagging or complaining, which is why saying this can cause the other person to shut down. "In cases like these the typical response is 'never mind,' or 'why do I even bother?'," Patterson notes. "This is their way of avoiding a possible argument momentarily, but it doesn't resolve the issue."
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You don't turn me on anymore
This is another fallback for couples in the heat of the moment. "When you're calmer, you will likely try to tell your partner that of course you didn't really mean it," says Wendi L. Dumbroff, a licensed professional counselor. "But over time, thoughtless comments like these can begin to destroy trust." Not only will your partner start to question whether or not you still care, "But it can also destroy the assumption of emotional safety in a relationship if you throw out angry words like those," says Dumbroff. "When you don't have that, it's hard to keep it together."
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